Husbands, Love Your Wives…Ephesians 5:21-33

Two weeks ago we started looking at the household code for husbands and wives found in 1 Peter 3:1-7. Peter gives six verses of counsel to wives and only one verse of counsel to husbands. At the end of our time together I told you that we would spend our time this morning in Ephesians 5:21-33 where Paul gives more counsel to husbands than he does the wives. 

Before we read our Scripture together I want to highlight the title of our study this morning, “Husbands, love your wives…” I intentionally left off the final phrase of Paul’s statement, “as Christ loves the church.” My reason for doing this is because I want to show you the dramatic difference that last phrase makes in the husband and wife relationship. 

I spent quite a bit of time this past week looking up self-help tips on the internet that can help husbands become better at loving their wives. I found lots and lots of articles from secular sources that offered advice that was good, but fell so far short of what you and I are going to discover this morning. Some of the titles I found most interesting are “How to Treat Your Wife: 12 Ways to Make Her Feel Special,” “Emotionally Intelligent Husbands are Key to a Lasting Marriage,” “7 Things to Say to Your Spouse to Deepen Connection,” and the one article that really caught my attention was written by Dr. Becky Whetstone, who has a PhD in Family Therapy. She titled her article “What my Four Marriages Have Taught Me–by a Marriage Therapist.”  I learned something from all of the advice offered in each of the articles, but nothing as helpful, humbling, and awe-inspiring as what I found in God’s Word. Let’s read our Scripture for this morning found in Ephesians 5:21-33.

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:21-33 ESV)

What we just read are more than instructions for husbands and wives. They are more than a set of “best practices” created by a group of therapists. These verses are important Christian doctrine, to be studied, understood, and applied to the relationship shared by husbands and wives. I want to point out to those of you who are followers of Jesus, and married, how important it is to recognize that our relationship together as husband and wife is to be modeled on the relationship of Jesus to His bride, the church. One of my old dead preacher friends, Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones, wrote,

…marriage can only be fully understood as we understand the doctrine of the Lord Jesus Christ and the church. You notice that that is central; the Apostle carries on the argument about Christ and the church right through the paragraph. In other words it comes to this; if we are not clear about the Lord Jesus Christ and the church, and the relationship of the church to Him, we cannot understand marriage. It is impossible because it is only in the light of that doctrine that we really understand the doctrine concerning marriage (Lloyd-Jones, Martin. Life in the Spirit in Marriage, Home, & Work. pgs. 97-98).

The image of the “bride of Christ” may very well be unfamiliar to many of you. Who is this bride of Jesus Christ? The Bible teaches that all of those who have become followers of Jesus make up His church, and the church is His bride. In the last book of the Bible, the book of Revelation, there is this marvelous, overwhelmingly beautiful scene that will become reality one day when Jesus returns for His bride. Turn with me to Revelation 19:6-9.

6 Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out, "Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns. 7 Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; 8 it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"-- for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. 9 And the angel said to me, "Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb." And he said to me, "These are the true words of God." (Revelation 19:6-9 ESV)

The day is coming when the bride of Christ will be presented to Jesus, her Bridegroom, and there will be a roar of joy and exuberance that will echo throughout the cosmos! His bride will be clothed in fine linen, bright and pure. Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:26-27 that the Bridegroom, Jesus, gave Himself up for His bride, the church, so…

26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (Ephesians 5:26-27 ESV)

The Lord’s bride will one day be presented to her Groom “in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” What brought about this transformation in the bride? Was it her hard work, her dedication to doing good deeds, was it her worthiness that made her presentable? Not at all! Paul wrote, earlier in Ephesians, 

8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:8-10 NIV)

The bride of Christ will one day be full of splendor, without spot or wrinkle, but that is not what His bride, you and me, the church, is today. And neither was this true for all of those who trusted in Jesus in Ephesus, or Corinth, or Laodicea, or Rome, or any other place where believers have gathered through the centuries. What a contrast from what we presently know about the bride and what we are told she, we, shall be one day! How is the Groom working this change, bringing about this transformation in His bride? Let’s dig a little into what Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus to see what we can learn. 

First of all, we are told that “Christ loved the church.” His love is present tense. It was not just a love that was present in the past, but His love is an unchanging love that endures forever. 

In the Greek language, in Paul’s day, there were different words that were translated “love.” I’ll just share three. The Greek word “eros” doesn’t occur in the Bible, but you know this word. Our English word “erotic” comes from the Greek word “eros.” This is a love of desire, the love of romance, it is the love that drew us to our husband or wife initially. There is nothing wrong with “eros” love. I can still remember the day when I first saw Connie walking down the hall at Cameron University while I was standing outside of my Spanish class!

There is a second Greek word, which is found in God’s Word, and it is the word, “φιλέω” (phileō), and it means, “fondness” or “brotherly love.” Philadelphia is known as the city of “brotherly love.” This is a beautiful love, the kind of love we share with friends, but it is not the word that is used for Jesus’ love for His bride, the church. 

How does Jesus love His bride? He loves her, He loves you and me, with “ἀγαπάω” (agapaō) love. The Enduring Word commentary describes this type of love.

It is a love that loves without changing. It is a self-giving love that gives without demanding or expecting repayment. It is love so great that it can be given to the unlovable or unappealing. It is love that loves even when it is rejected. Agape love gives and loves because it wants to; it does not demand or expect repayment from the love given. It gives because it loves; it does not love in order to receive. (Enduring Word Commentary on 1 Corinthians 13)

This is the love that Jesus has for His bride. Jesus’ love for His bride is a no-strings-attached kind of love. He has chosen to love her. She did not do anything to attract or earn His love, but He has chosen to love His bride and to love her until he presents her holy and blameless at the wedding feast of the Lamb.  

What is Jesus’ attitude towards His bride? He loves her. With all her flaws, her moodiness, and peculiarities–He loves her. When she is unlovable, He loves her. When she is unworthy of His love, He loves her. Martin Lloyd-Jones wrote,

He loved her in spite of her unworthiness, He loved her in spite of her deficiencies. Notice what He has to do for her. She needs to be washed, she needs to be cleansed. He saw her in her rags, in her wildness; but He loved her. That is the height of the doctrine of salvation. He loved us, not because of anything in us; He loved us in spite of what was in us, ‘while we were yet sinners.’ He loved the ungodly, ‘while we were yet enemies.’ In all our unworthiness and vileness He loved us. He loved the church, not because she was glorious and beautiful–no, but that He might make her such. (Lloyd-Jones, Martin. LIfe in the Spirit in Marriage, Home and Work. pg. 139)

A husband, or wife for that matter, can so easily point out all of the deficiencies of the other. Oftentimes, when I meet with couples who are having a tough time they have such a clear understanding of how the other is responsible for what is lacking in their marriage. The other is the one who has thrown cold water on the flame that once burned so bright. They are quick to say, “I know I have my faults, BUT…” The truth of the matter is that none of them think their faults are the reason for the decline in their marital satisfaction. Jesus never “others” His bride. He loves her and the extent of His love is found in our next observation of what Paul has written. 

Secondly, Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:25 that Jesus not only loves His bride, but He “gave Himself up for her.” Throughout the gospels and all of the New Testament we learn how Jesus gave Himself up for His bride. Paul tells us in Romans 5:6-8.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8 NIV)

Jesus was not at fault. The Bible makes it crystal clear that Jesus never sinned, He was never in the wrong, He never needed to defend Himself and yet He gave Himself up for His sinful bride, you and me. The most beautiful illustration of this is found in Philippians 2:3-8.

3 Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. 5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. 6 Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. 7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, 8 he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal's death on a cross. (Philippians 2:3-8 NLT)

The Groom gave up His divine privileges and humbled Himself. It is not like the only time the Groom humbled Himself was when He willingly hung on the cross for His bride. His entire life was one of serving and not being served. When He gathered in the Upper Room for the Passover meal, He took a tub of water and a towel and washed the feet of His bride, His disciples. That was the job of the lowest slave in the house back in the first century in Jerusalem, but nobody asked Him to do it–He gave Himself up for them. 

This past week, as I’ve been studying Jesus’ love for His bride, I’ve asked myself, “Does Connie see me as someone who is willing to sacrifice for her?” Am I a husband who is willing to give up my desires, my preferences and plans, for her? I fall so far short of the Bridegroom. 

The third thing we learn about the Bridegroom from these verses is that He sanctifies and cleanses His bride. Take a look at Ephesians 5:26-27 with me.

26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (Ephesians 5:26-27 ESV)

This is the ongoing work of Jesus in the life of His bride. He has rescued her, saved her, removed her condemnation and shame, and given her eternal life, but in doing so He began a work to make her a bride “without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” This is the work of sanctification. The bride will become these things, but she was not pure and filled with splendor and purity on the day she met the Bridegroom. Paul wrote to Titus,

11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope-- the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. (Titus 2:11-14 NIV)

Jesus, our Bridegroom, has saved us and is working in us, and for us, to produce purity and a heart which desires to do good in all that we do. How is He doing this? By “the washing of water with the word.”  The Holy Spirit draws His bride into the Word where the Holy Spirit does His work of purifying and transforming the heart, mind, and life of His bride. 

There are two lessons I’ve learned from this section of Scripture concerning Jesus and His bride. First, it is more than common for husbands to stand at the altar and make all kinds of promises to their wives on their wedding day only to forget about those promises later on. The love, devotion, sweet notes, a willingness to decline other or “better” offers to spend time with her, and a willingness to talk and talk about absolutely nothing of consequence, but to do it with delight because of the one we are having the conversation with–at some point all that is exchanged for doing what we, as husbands, want to do. Jesus never stops pursuing His bride and pursuing her to bring out the best in her. 

The other lesson I’ve learned is how important it is for me to encourage Connie with what is pure, loving, and Christlike. Jesus wants to present His bride without spot or blemish and the Scripture is not talking about outward beauty. I should live the kind of life alongside Connie that points her to a Christlike life full of grace, mercy, and spiritual purity. 

Fourth, Jesus, the Bridegroom nourishes and cherishes His bride. Paul wrote that husbands should love their wives “as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Read Ephesians 5:28-30 with me.

28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. (Ephesians 5:28-30 ESV)

Taken at face value this instruction makes logical sense. We tend to put ourselves first so if I’m treating Connie in the same way, then I will care for her in the same way I care for myself, but there is more to this than meets the eye. Paul is drawing on two different biblical truths that deepen and broaden these verses, and this lesson, for us.

The first truth is rooted in Genesis 2. Paul quotes Genesis 2:24 in Ephesians 5:31. Let’s go back to Genesis and read Genesis 2:22-24. While you are turning there, let me give you a little background. Adam had been given the responsibility of naming all of the animals, and while he was doing so, the Lord said, “It’s not good for the man to be alone.” Then, in verse 22, we read,

22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:22-24 NIV)

Paul quoted verse 24 in Ephesians 5:31. After Adam saw Eve, he said “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…” And God said, “...they become one flesh.” According to the Bible, Connie and I are one. We are two people, but we are also one. It is a mystery, but it is also truth given to us by God. Let’s move on to the second truth found in verses 28-30.

The second truth is that the bride of Christ is also the body of Christ. We can see this plainly by taking a look at a couple of places in the New Testament that describe the followers of Jesus in this way. First, turn with me to Romans 12:4-5.

4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. (Romans 12:4-5 NIV)

Just as your body and my body have many members, like fingers, toes, arms and legs, eyes and ears–each of them serving different purposes and having different functions, we have one body. In Christ, we are many, but one–the body of Christ. Now, turn with me to 1 Corinthians 12:12-14; 26-27.

12 Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body-- whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free-- and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. 14 Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. 27 Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. (1 Corinthians 12:12-14; 26-27 NIV)

Each and every one of you who are followers of Jesus are part of His body. Once again, it is a mystery, but it is a true mystery. As part of the body of Christ we are also the bride of Christ, His church. In Paul’s discussion of how husbands are to love and care for their wives, he writes,

29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. (Ephesians 5:28-30 ESV)

Notice what Jesus does for His bride. He “nourishes” and “cherishes” her. The Greek word translated, “nourish,” is the word “ἐκτρέφω” (ektrephō), and it means to “nourish, feed, or bring up.”  The word was used primarily for the care of children and the necessity of providing nurture, establishing an atmosphere where growth and development can take place. How does Jesus nourish us, His bride? Turn with me to Ephesians 4:11-13 and let’s read together.

11 So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, 12 to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. (Ephesians 4:11-13 NIV)

Jesus has provided all of these wonderful resources for us, His bride, so that we can learn and grow and mature and be built up until we “attain the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.” In 2 Peter 1:3 we see another example of how Jesus nourishes His bride.

3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. (2 Peter 1:3 NIV)

He has provided for His bride everything she needs to live a godly life and to grow in holiness until she becomes the bride who is presented without spot or wrinkle. 

Jesus not only nourishes His bride, but He “cherishes” her. This is a word that appears only twice in the New Testament. The other place is found in 1 Thessalonians 2:6 where Paul said he cared for the people of Thessalonica like “a nursing mother cares for her children.” It is this tender care that Jesus demonstrates for His bride and not just during the honeymoon, but throughout all of eternity. David Mathis wrote,

Jesus cherishes his church. He adores her, cares for her, gladly devotes his attention to her. He has pledged his loyalty to her, to be one flesh with her, to hold fast to her, to not give up on her, to never leave or forsake her. (Mathis, David. Do You Insult Your Savior’s Bride: What Jesus Thinks of His Church.)

I wish we had four or five more hours to keep digging and learning about the love of Jesus for His bride, the church. I’m so grateful for all of the men who are here this morning and especially for all of the husbands. Guys, I hope you picked up on how Paul lays out the highest calling, the ultimate standard for us as husbands. How does he do that? Not by giving us a New York Times Best Seller on Love and Marriage, but by showing us how Jesus has loved and continues to care for, nourish, and cherish His bride. Men, if you want to love your wife as Christ loves His bride, then you must first surrender your life to Him as Lord and Savior. You can find the greatest marriage counselor in the world, be mentored by the “Husband of the Year” every year and neither will help you like becoming a follower of Jesus and learning, yearning to follow in His steps. Won’t you invite Him in today? 

Mike Hays

August 18, 2024