Marriage as a Reflection of Christ and His Church 1 Peter 3:1-7

Last week we spent our time laying the foundation for our study of the Scripture we will look at this morning found in 1 Peter 3:1-7. I felt that it was necessary to spend an entire Sunday taking a look at the situation of those who first heard Peter’s letter read because their culture was so radically different from our own situation living here in the United States in the 21st century. We do not live in a society where an emperor holds complete authority over the citizens. We don’t live in a society where slaves are subject to their masters or employees don’t have the freedom to change jobs. We don’t live in a society where husbands hold the power of life and death over everyone who lives in their household. There are countries and cultures in other parts of the world where these things still hold true, but thankfully that is not the culture where you and I live. Does this mean that we can skip right over these verses in 1 Peter? Not at all. What we are learning are biblical principles that we are to take and apply to our own setting. 

In 1 Peter 3:1-7, Peter is giving us a pattern of how husbands and wives are to relate to one another and this teaching is desperately needed in our day and time. Marriage has fallen on hard times in America. Fewer people are getting married today than in generations past. A recent Pew Research study, conducted in June of 2023 found “one in four 40-year-old American adults have never been married…” The study goes on to say,

Marriage has long been a central institution in the lives of Americans. In 1980, just 6% of 40-year-olds had never been married. But people born from the 1960s onward have been increasingly delaying marriage, and a growing share are forgoing it altogether. (Pew Research Center. “A record-high share of 40-year-olds in the U.S. have never been married.” June 28, 2023)

Marriage is on the decline, but the need for relationships has never been greater. People may be turning away from marriage, but they are not turning away from seeking relationships and that is for a good reason. There is an innate need inside of every one of us to connect to others. So, those who may have grown up in homes where the relationship of their mother and father was chaotic and a source of great heartache, or those who grew up in a broken home where their parents fought and used the kids against each other, or those who simply don’t want to be tied down to one person, many of these people are seeking alternatives to traditional marriage. Andrew Cherlin is a sociologist at Johns Hopkins and he has written an insightful study called American Marriage in the Early Twenty-First Century. In his study he writes,

Marriage is less dominant as a social institution in the United States than at any time in history. Alternative pathways through adulthood—childbearing outside of marriage, living with a partner without ever marrying, living apart but having intimate relationships—are more acceptable and feasible than ever before. (Cherlin, Andrew. American Marriage in the Early Twenty-First Century.)

I believe that our problem is not the relationship we share in the marriage covenant, but our problems lies with the lack of understanding of the design and purpose of marriage. Let’s take a look at our Scripture for this morning found in 1 Peter 3:1-7.

1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:1-7 NIV)

We are going to dig into these verses this morning and try to understand how husbands and wives, who are followers of Jesus, living in the first century as well as the twenty-first century, can relate to one another in a way that glorifies God and reflects Jesus’ relationship to the church. As I mentioned last week, God’s design for the marriage covenant is based upon Jesus' relationship to His bride, the church. To understand this we need to turn to Ephesians 5:21-33. Let’s read it together.

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:21-33 NIV)

You can see that as Paul is writing about the relationship between a husband and wife, he has in mind the relationship of Jesus and His bride, the church. What I am hoping and praying is that each of us, husbands and wives, those who are single and hope to be married one day, will use this model as our motivation for how we love and serve our spouse. 

I have recently found a new friend in a woman I’ve never met before, but whose teaching on the verses we are studying has really blessed me. Rebecca McLaughlin has a PhD from Cambridge University and a theology degree from Oak Hill College in London. She worked for about ten years with the Veritas Forum working with Christian academics in secular universities. She has written several books, but it was her take on these verses we’ve read this morning that has made a deep impact on me. She writes, in an article title, Confessions of a Reluctant Complementarian,

Ephesians 5 sticks like a burr in our 21st century, western ears.  But we must not misread it as justifying ‘traditional’ gender roles, which have often amounted to wives orienting themselves around the needs of their husband. The text does not say that the husband is the head of the family and thus the one whose needs come first, whose career must be prioritized, whose comfort is paramount. In fact, Ephesians 5 is a withering critique of traditional gender roles. In the drama of marriage, the wife’s needs come first, and the husband’s drive to prioritize himself is cut down with the brutal axe of the gospel.  This is no return to Victorian values or 1950s norms. (Rebecca McLaughlin, Confessions of a Reluctant Complementarian. February 25, 2018)

You really should look up the article on the web and read it. I’ve heard these Scriptures taught time and time again and each time the emphasis falls into one of two categories: First, the emphasis is on the wives' submission to their husbands and not on the husband’s sacrificial love for their wives. Second, the entire time is spent on trying to explain away God’s call for wives to submit to their husbands. I don’t want to make either of those mistakes this morning. What I hope to do is to help us see God’s call upon our lives from a new vantage point.

I want to point out that throughout history these verses have most definitely been used by those who twist them to overpower wives, even urging them to stay in abusive relationships. I’ve been in a few marriage counseling settings when the husband would say, “Doesn’t the Bible say wives are supposed to submit to their husbands?” As soon as a husband says that I know he knows absolutely nothing about what the Bible teaches concerning husbands and wives. This teaching for husbands is a safeguard against abuse in the home if they are followed. Also, because God has set us in a family of faith, this local church, we are to be a safeguard for women who are in abusive relationships. If there is a woman here who is in an abusive relationship and she comes to me or confides in one of her friends, then we, as her brothers and sisters in Christ, aren't to sit on the sidelines and simply pray for her. We are called to intervene. Let’s go back to 1 Peter 3. 

1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:1-4 NIV)

In these verses we find that wives are to “submit” to their “own husbands.” Not to every man, but to their own husbands. Did you notice that Peter is addressing wives who are married to men who may not be followers of Jesus? They are to submit to their husbands “so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” This takes us back to where Peter began this whole section about submitting so that others, who are not believers, may see our “good deeds and glorify God on the say he visits us.” Look at 1 Peter 2:12 with me.

12 Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. (1 Peter 2:12 NIV)

In 1 Peter the wives may very well have had unbelieving husbands, but in the other instances where wives are instructed to submit to their husbands, there is no hint that they are unbelievers. If you are a follower of Jesus, regardless of whether your husband is a believer or an unbeliever, Scripture says to submit yourself to your own husband. What does submitting look like? Does Peter mean to obey your husband? Does Peter mean that you should cave to your husband’s every wish? That’s not what he is saying at all. If you will remember our study on submitting to the governing authorities then you will remember that if those who govern us ask us to do what God commands us not to do, or to refrain from doing what God asks of us, then we are to obey God and not the government. The same holds true for wives and husbands. We are never to disobey God. 

The Greek word translated “submit” is “ὑποτάσσω” (hypotassō) and it means “to place yourself under, to arrange under, or to yield.” Now, we need to think about two things. First, wives are to place themselves under their own husbands, not all men. Second, this is something only the wife can do. Nowhere in any of the verses in 1 Peter, Ephesians 5, or Colossians 3 does the Bible instruct husbands to ask or demand their wives to submit. The wife is to make the decision to submit. Scott McKnight tells a story about a time he was with a well known Bible teacher. They were talking about their wives when the question came up about submission. The Bible teacher said,

I believe in a wife submitting to her husband, but I don’t believe the husband ever has the right to demand it. In fact, I know that when I am worthy of submission, my wife submits, and when I am unworthy of it, she does not. My responsibility as a husband is to be worthy. (McKnight, Scott. 1 Peter. pg. 192)

Now, I want to show you something. If we go back to 1 Peter and read what he instructs husbands to do we will find that husbands are to “in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives…” Read that verse with me.

7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7 NIV)

When Peter refers to the wives as “the weaker partner,” he is thinking about physical strength. I know we live in a day where we are taught that men and women are equal in every measure, but the truth is that biological men are naturally stronger physically. There are exceptions, but generally this is true. What we should focus on in this verse is not this little phrase, but God’s call for men who were living in the first century, who had absolute power over their wives, to “be considerate, to treat them with respect, as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life.” I want to take a minute to show you, you who are husbands, what it means to “be considerate” of your wives. The Greek word, “γνῶσις” (gnōsis) means “knowledge” or “understanding, recognition.” Wayne Grudem writes,

The ‘knowledge’ Peter intends here may include any knowledge that would be beneficial to the husband-wife relationship: knowledge of God’s purposes and principles for marriage; knowledge of the wife’s desires, goals, and frustrations; knowledge of her strengths and weaknesses in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms; etc. A husband who lives according to such knowledge will greatly enrich his marriage relationship–yet such knowledge can only be gained through regular study of God’s Word and regular, unhurried times of private fellowship together as husband and wife (Grudem, Wayne. 1 Peter. pg. 151).

I am called to be a student of Connie. This is a radical departure from what the men living in Peter’s day concerned themselves with in everyday life. Their wives were to meet their every need and the men were free to go about their business. I am convinced that far too often husbands and wives live separate lives in our day as well. Peter calls husbands to be mindful of God’s call upon their lives to be Christlike husbands, to treat their wives with respect and honor, to remember that their wives are co-heirs of the salvation and grace that comes from Jesus. That was godly counsel that not only set apart Christian husbands living in the first century, but it is godly counsel that will set apart husbands living in the twenty-first century. 

Back to Peter’s instruction for the wives. Peter has much more to say to the wives, but in actuality it applies to all women who are seeking to bring glory and honor to the Lord through the way they live their life. Peter writes,

3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:3-4 NIV)

Peter is not calling women to dress in sackcloth that are two sizes too big and wear no makeup, but he is reminding them to put in their time, energy, and focus on what is most important. Proverbs 31 reminds us of this same truth.

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30 NIV)

This, my friends, is timeless wisdom that will never age or go out of style. Those who find their value in their looks will never be satisfied. I’m speaking about men and women. There is always someone who is better looking, someone more beautiful. And time takes care of us all doesn’t it? Those who focus on modeling their lives after the life of Jesus, who seek to have a servant’s heart, are kind, considerate of others, filled with the fruit of the Spirit, and willing to sacrifice for those around them will never go out of style. 

In Roman society those who wore expensive clothes and looked like they were headed down the runway of a Paris fashion show were either flaunting their wealth or being seductive. Juvenal was a Roman poet and satirist who lived during the time Peter was writing to the followers of Jesus. He wrote,

There is nothing that a woman will not permit herself to do, nothing that she deems shameful, when she encircles her neck with green emeralds and fastens pearls to her elongated ears; there is nothing more intolerable than a wealthy woman (Juvenal. Satires, 6.457-60).

Our culture is so enamored with looks and wealth. The influencers on TikTok and Instagram make their money by turning heads, but God is looking at hearts. When Samuel was told to go and find the next king of Israel at Jesse’s house, he saw all of Jesse’s sons and Samuel picked out the one he just knew would be God's choice. Then the Lord spoke to Samuel,

7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7 NIV)

Rather than focusing on our outward appearance, each of us, men and women, should focus on developing those qualities of life that we see so prominent in the life of the One we follow. I want you to notice the phrase Peter uses in verse 4, “...the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.” There are many women who have read this phrase and concluded that to have a “gentle and quiet spirit” means that you need to be a wallflower, never speak up, and never assert yourself. That’s not what Peter is even remotely promoting. 

This past week I read an article by Maggie Fields that she wrote after she had spent hours studying this passage in 1 Peter. Maggie said that for 19 years she misunderstood Peter’s message and did exactly the things I just mentioned. Then, she writes,

I heard the Holy Spirit whisper that having a “gentle and quiet spirit” does not mean you must be a wallflower. It doesn’t mean you have nothing to say or that you always go along with what everyone else wants. It doesn’t mean you have to make yourself small or hide behind false humility. Even more shocking was the realization that having a gentle and quiet spirit actually calls us to live confidently in all of life’s circumstances (Maggie Fields. A Gentle and Quiet Spirit. September 20, 2022).

Where did Maggie come up with the idea that to have a “gentle and quiet spirit” was to live confidently in all of life’s circumstances? She looked to Jesus who described Himself in this way. 

In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus invites all of those who are weary and burdened to come to Him and He will give them rest. Then Jesus says, “...for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”  Jesus described Himself in the same way that Paul encourages the wives in 1 Peter 3 to live out their lives. The Greek word which is translated as “gentle” is the word, “πραΰς” (praus) and it means, “gentle; meek; or humble.” If you want a better definition of the word then study the life of Jesus. No one was more gentle and quiet, or at peace. In the face of incredible opposition and threats at every turn, Jesus lived quietly, not stressed and wringing His hands, because the quietness of His soul was produced by His undying trust and confidence in God. Jesus was bold when it was time to be bold, but He was also overflowing with a confidence that God was in control of every moment and every turn of events in His life. 

Next week, I want us to spend our time taking a look at Ephesians 5 and the call of God to those of us who are husbands. It is such a powerful Scripture. There is no wisdom, no guidance as valuable and practical for husbands than the wisdom we will find in Ephesians 5. 

Before we leave here this morning I want to draw our attention one last time to Jesus and His bride, the church. Jesus has loved us with an everlasting love and it is His love, grace, and mercy that moves me to the point where I want to follow Him. When the world sees a true believer, a man or woman who is truly surrendered to Jesus and living out His will for their lives, it is unmistakable. There is something different about those people. I have known some of them throughout my life and they have made a lasting impact on me. When the world engages with a husband and wife who love each other, who seek to serve one another, and enjoy each other's company–there is something unmistakable about those marriages. They reflect the heart of Jesus for His bride, the church. And this is the design and purpose of marriage. 

Mike Hays

August 11, 2024